This was the time in my life when I know that I made some wrong decisions that has affected me all my life and I feel I haft to add this even though it bothers me a lot, I would absolutely do any thing to keep from hurting my family and friends. I can not remember when it started but I thank it was when we had one of my cousins move in with us for a while. I had found a Playboy magazine and so I looked at it and pondered on what I saw for a long time. I fond my self after that looking every where I could to find another magazine to look at; I guess that was when I started looking at girls in an all new way. Those images just seemed to burn in my brain, and I do not understand why I can remember that so vividly but for school work I couldn’t remember squat. But I guess that is passing blame I did have the option not to look at the magazine; I was old enough to know right from wrong. I received one of the worse spankings that I had ever received after I was caught looking at and showing my self to one of my female cousins. This goes to show that satin has a way of burning this image into your brain and he will use it at any time to take your mind away from God. Even setting in Church Praising God with all your love and support of the church family, ( I know that correct English would have satan name in capital letters but I do not feel he deserves it) satan will make those images pop up in my thoughts and I have to just tell him to get behind me and he does, for a while. I know I have hurt and wronged several people over the years and the Lord says to leave your offerings at the altar then go and find those you have wronged and ask their forgiveness and forgive those who has wronged you thin come and ask and I will forgive you. I have looked and have not been able to find some of the ones I have wronged so I say here please forgive me.
I am not proud of this and I pray daily that the Lord would remove this thorn from my side, and since He hasn’t done this I pray daily that He would use it in some way to Glorify His Holy name. I am sure you will see the battles that I have been having in my life, but thanks to God for sending His Son to die on the Cross for my sins and rise again on the third day. With this forgiveness even though I am not perfect I can live knowing this and God will love me any way and my prayer is that you can find this same peace.
I am uneasy about posting this but I truly belive this is one way to defeat satan is by not trying ti hide my past and this way satan can not use it against me any longer for everyone knows about it and he can not say remember what you have done.